Do you need to be right? Or in a relationship?
“Why can’t they just see that they are wrong?”
I’ve said it, you’ve said it… to loved ones, to coworkers, even to strangers. Sometimes, we let it go, but more often we struggle with knowing the answer and our frustration that others are stepping on that.
How important is it to you to be right?
Actually, let’s reframe that question. WHY is it important to you to be right? Take some time to step back and ask yourself a few questions to help be in touch with why being right matters to you.
- Do you feel something is at risk?
- Are your values being stepped on?
- Are you carrying a truth about the situation that others might not share?
Imagine a nonprofit board figuring out how to engage in strategic planning. The goal is, of course, to build towards alignment on a vision for the future. And yet there is always at least one dissenting view on the board, usually someone who has a stronghold of a perspective on what the organization needs. This board member can stand alone, entrenched in the importance of being right about their view, and can mire the board in a challenging, antagonistic process to appease this board member who keeps them from reaching consensus.
When does it damage relationships?
Each of us has a definition of what is right. My colleague Dino Zafriakos once said ”We cannot hold the truth, we can only hold a truth.” Insisting that you hold the truth costs you relationships and possibilities. You become an impenetrable wall, entrenched in needing to be right. Those around you shut down lines of communication, and then you begin to interpret those actions and continue to apply your singly-held definition of what is happening: viewing the world through self-righteous colored glasses, aggrieved and entrenched.
If this hasn’t been you, then you probably have someone in mind. But it’s been all of us at some point. I know it is been me.
Someone on the team who continually insists on their rightness, or even a team that constant dances the “who is most right” dance, risk generating a level of toxicity that can be challenging to overcome. When being right is highly valued, relationships become collateral damage.
So ask yourself which matters more: being right, or relationships?
My husband and I have an ongoing, back-and-forth $1 bet about being right. That’s how important it is to either of us to be right most of the time. He once asked me if need to be right, but after thinking and laughing about it, we agree I just like being right. And while I find it validating (I know I’m not alone), I also didn’t attach much to being right, I could laugh and let go with ease most of the time.
Sometimes, our disagreements can hit some topics that seem like they have only one right answer. Not too long ago, our windshield wiper fluid wouldn’t run when we were driving back from a short ski trip. I told my husband the wiper fluid was frozen. He didn’t believe windshield wiper fluid could freeze, and (as a New Yorker) he was certain he was right. How could a Texan know about the freeze point of windshield wiper fluid.
So windshield wiper fluid either freezes or not, right? Here I am stuck in the car with him thinking it is so obvious that the fluid is frozen because it is 28 degrees outside… and I ask myself if I want to get into a stalemate when we’ve got traffic and 4 hours to get home.
Instead of deciding who was right, we thought about getting home still in love with each other, and focused on identifying a stop point to clear the windshield so he could see well enough to drive safely — that was the problem we both needed to solve in any case.
We put our relationship, our safety, ahead of being right.
In the end, both of us were partially right. In New York, you buy a winter mix of wiper fluid that doesn’t freeze. In places that aren’t so cold, the wiper fluid mix doesn’t have the additive and can freeze. Even though it seems like there was one correct answer, in reality our answers could both be right. And we got home safely, without fighting about the freezing point of windshield wiper fluid.
Simultaneous truths: keeping the bridge open
The concept of multiple truths has many roots, including some Buddhist doctrines: the essential truth is beyond the physical world, and our individually observed versions of the truth in the physical are equally valid. “My way or the highway” is that salvo that drives distance between us. We take the highway, rather than maintain the bridge.
As a team coach, I’ve learned a couple of techniques over the years to help teams work through individually held opinions of “what is right” and arrive at a better place with everyone feeling seen.
- Empathy building: sometimes a hold-out has created a narrative that the rest of the team doesn’t understand their point of view, or see the risks they see. With carefully scaffolded interactions, we can help everyone listen and feel listened to.
- 2% rule: I ask folks to imagine that at least 2% of what someone else says is right. I hope to crack that door of possibility open just enough to let in some light, and ease the conversation from there.
- Define the problem: as basic as this sounds, sometimes individuals getting headlong into solving something before even agreeing on what problem you are trying to solve. Sometimes bringing folks back to the definition of the the problem, and aligning on the purpose of solving/fixing, reorients the team.
The Indian folk tale of the blind men and the elephant is a helpful metaphor to bring. Like the observer wandering by, coaching offers neutral observations to help teams notice what might be happening. Often, when team members are convinced they disagree but may really be contributing valuable, unique perspectives to understanding what’s at hand.
The first step: keep the bridges open
As much as I can work with the team, each person has to decide if they are willing to hold relationships ahead of right-ness — it’s a form of keeping the bridge open. If the team is willing to do this, we can find alignment and shared truths. We can cross those bridges to get the the team destination as a team.’
